So, I’ve decided I’m mental.
No, no, seriously. I’m cracked.
I’ve started suffering from a condition that I’ve discovered and have named “delusional foundations”.
Here’s the thing.
A couple of times in the past few months I’ve found that, when startled, my brain rapidly grabs hold of the first conclusion it comes to.
And then, and this is the weird bit.
It refuses to let go, building further conclusions, however tenuous the underlying mental bricks.
I was babysitting for DigitalLouis (wait, how does that work, I was looking after him, I guess I was babysitting for his parents…right? What’s the syntax?). Anyway, I was looking after the lad and had said to his folks “Honestly, I’m knackered, when he goes to sleep? I’m going to sleep.”
And they were perfectly happy with that. And, frankly, so was I.
So I get Louis to sleep in his parents bed, stretch out next to him and am fast asleep within minutes. Hours later I’m woken up by DigitalKatie and DigitalSean shaking me awake.
“C’mon…c’mon…we’re back from a night out and you’re in our bed…get up!”
I get up, wave goodbye, drive the three blocks (I’m lazy, fuck off) back to my flat, crawl into my own bed and fall back to a blissful slumber.
Where I dream I’m BACK in the Digital’s bed.
I stir, roll over and stretch my hand out to check that Louis is still asleep next to me.
Although, clearly, he’s not.
Now, we all know that’s because he’s in ANOTHER HOUSE, but my brain? No, no, no. My brain has concluded that he must be there, and so we must SEARCH for him.
Lights on, out of bed, lifting up the duvet, looking UNDER the bed, opening my bedroom door to see if he’s wandered out (which would be an achievement, since he can’t walk).
Throughout all of ths, I’m perfectly aware of where I am. I’m in my flat, where Louis doesn’t live.
But my brain is POSITIVE he should be there and, regardless of other evidence tendered, will not be shaken from this believe without a good minute or so of concentration.
Scary at the first instance, unsettling immediately afterwards.
The second example occured at work. I was walking from the patient’s house back to the ambulance to grab a piece of kit. Heading along the pavement I was startled by a dog emerging from between two parked cars.
And this is what my head said.
“Oh! A cat!” (delusion, right there…but watch where it went)
“That’s a big cat.”
“A big, tawny yellow cat.”
“Fuck me, it’s a lion.”
“On a leash.”
“What’s that woman doing walking a lion down the street?”
“Isn’t that a bit dangerous?”
I’m bonkers, I’m telling you.
Anybody else suffering from this or something similar?