in case you are confused by the bewildering array of talented individuals after
your vote for your local PCC, here’s my guide to those after your vote. I can almost guarantee the candidates will be
the same wherever you are.
Mick Spanner (Labour). Whilst
serving on the old Police Authority Mick opposed the Tory idea of PCCs as a
matter of principle. However, as the
post allows him to remain true to the traditional Labour ideals of wasting
public money and bossing people around, he feels ideally suited. Although secretly he nurses a grievance about
the Miners’ Strike, he recognises a sinecure so will happily toady to the local
Chief Constable. Theme tune: ‘The working class can kiss my *ss, I’ve got
the PCC’s job at last’
Dorothy Hatpin (Conservative).
‘Dottie’ had never realised that Britain needed PCCs, until that
nice Mr. Cameron told her so at the Conservative Party Conference, so it must
be right. Being barking mad never held
Dottie back as a magistrate and she sees it as no impediment to being PCC, or
‘Plebs and Criminals Coordinator’ as she tends to think of the job. Guided by the Daily Mail, she supports
hanging for muggers, rapists and teenagers.
Nigel Beardie-Sandalwearer (Lib Dem). As
a teacher, Nigel empathises with disaffected youth, believes that pink and
fluffy policing is the future and hates cars.
He wants more buses and compulsory cycle lanes, will erect a speed
camera on each street and ban parking everywhere. An earnest environmentalist, Nigel had his
sense of humour surgically removed at an early age.
Knuckledragger (EDL). Tommy’s manifesto resembles a string of semi-literate
Facebook posts, exhorting voters to take back the streets and not effing
surrender ever. The spirit of inclusivity for all cultural groups is conspicuously
Rozzer (Independent). A retired DCI,
Brian wants to use his thirty years experience to bring common sense into
policing and repay his Chief Constable for promoting HPDS whizz-kids instead of
him. His contempt for party politics
will strike a chord with the electorate, who will however still vote for
whichever donkey wears their preferred party colours.