Call me a cynic, but I can't help
thinking that the Story of the Nativity would be greeted with some scepticism
if it was reported to me at the front counter of my nick.
â€œLet's get this right then, Miss,
shall we? You were minding your own
business when you saw an apparition which seemed intent on telling you some
important news. It had wings,
right? Oh, and a halo. I see.
Said his name was Gabriel. Bathed
in light. Well that's the Princess of
Darkness off the list of suspects then.
And what was this news? I
see. You're pregnant. But it's not your fault. I'm sure it wasn't. You can't remember anything happening like
that. No, that's not the first time I've
heard of that. OK so then you had to go
back to where you were born to take part in a census and pay some council
tax. Doesn't surprise me. Right, so you and your partner decided to go
by donkey. Good idea, what with the
state of public transport and at least you could have a drink. Well, not yourself obviously, what with being
pregnant, but I'm pleased to see that your other half won't be
drink-driving. No, it's all right, you
can still use a mobile phone when you're on a donkey as well. Shame you didn't use it to check out
accommodation before you set off. You
know what it's like at Christmas. So you
got to Bethlehem OK. But it was
shut. I see. All the hotels were booked up. How many did you try? Three.
Not very many, that, is it? Then
one of them said you could doss down in the shed at the back. Sounds well dodgy to me. It was well dodgy was it? What was the
bed like? Oh, right, you had to doss
down with some oxen and the aforementioned donkey. Yes, I'm sure there is something somewhere
that says the landlord has to move the cattle out of the room first. And there was no central heating. I'm not sure that bit is entirely a police
matter but carry on. Did you speak to
the Council or Trading Standards?
They'll get back to you in a couple of weeks. OK. So
there you are, trying to sleep in a shed with a load of cattle (and a
donkey). Next thing is you go into
labour and there's the baby. The
landlord still wouldn't let you inside the inn though? That's a bit risky. You could have had him for contributory
negligence if things had gone pear-shaped. So you just had to put Junior in a
manger. Lucky you found one, you don't
see many mangers nowadays, it's all feed hoppers or whatever. Yeah, Social Services would have an absolute
field day wouldn't they? So what
happened next? A load of shepherds just
wandered in? What, with sheep? No, I suppose you're right, couldn't just
leave the sheep out in the car park could they?
They might have strayed onto the highway. Then they tried to dump the sheep on you as a
'present'. No, I'm not well up on
agricultural subsidies either but I'm sure they would be claiming something back off the EU. Then what? Three blokes in robes with crowns and jewellery...could they have been going to a fancy dress party? They'd been guided by a star had they? Just one star? That's bloody Ant and Dec off the hook then. These geezers tried to launder some cash and deal some drugs did they? I can see where you're coming from. I'm not sure what frankincense and myrrh are either. Did you bring them with you? OK we can get them sent off for analysis and see what comes back. Do you know which way these wise guys went? I see, only that it was different to the way they came. No, I'm afraid that doesn't help much if you don't actually know which way they came in the first place. And they were making threats to kill as well? Oh, right, it wasn't them, just the king who was going to kill all first-born sons? Maybe it would be better if he stuck to talking to his plants, I agree. So now you want to go into witness protection? I'm not sure that we can extend that to your extended menagerie I'm afraid. Well I'll see what I can do but it does sound somewhat unlikely. Still, it will make a good story one of these days...